Sums it up just right

nothing is bugging me.I am ok. It is a good day. A good day to study and learn. I enjoy my life and the time I have. I am content but I also have goals I want to achieve and a mission i must see to that it succeeds. Despite the long annoying insecurities boggled in my mind right now about how I measure up with programming. I know that I will do well and even if I don’t do well the first time, I will have a chance of sure improvement the more I keep trying and doing. The key is to keep practicing until it becomes natural. No worries here. The pressure I have in my head is puely one of my own doing. It is not because there is a serious problem that would take intervention. It is purely psychosomatic…but it is very strong and very tricky. But here and now I am able to see it’s weaknesses by relaxing and simply observing how it is affecting me right now. How the negativity is unleashed with in my mind. How it tries to coerce me into giving up and to jump unto some idle leisure by inflicting some sort of pain. That’s what it does. I am learning to pay no attention to it because I can see more and more that it is something that is limiting me and not protecting me. It is one of those mental resistances that everyone has to push through. I see it as one of the deviations of my bad habits. A manifestation of the one problem I always had in life-Procrastination and laziness. Yes……… painful it may be…prolonging it may be…….how influential it may be I will not let it spoil my plans. I will succeed. I will prevail and I am prevailing because I didnt give in when it started assaulting my mind. I have the power to change. I can make a difference right here right now. It is within my grasp. I can do this! I don’t have to be enslaved by my habits…I can break free from them. I can achieve my goals. I can succeed but the road to success is rocky and narrow…but I still can succeed. I still can master programming. It will be slow and tedious of course but it is possible if i give it my 100%. That is something I withheld from it for a very long time now. I have been very foolish. But this time I will do the right things to ensure progress and not stagnation. Consistency and not inconsistency. Productivity and not indolence. Patience and not anxiety. I have the power to change I already had the power to change…I was looking for something I already had. I don’t need techniques to learn faster, concentrate better/faster or techniques to orgranize myself…these were all excuses to avoid the necessary pain and hard work of just doing and being them. Being organized,doing the hard work, being patient throughout the entire process,being compassionate and just focusing with a sense of tenacity and good attitude. Even if it took a whole lot out of me to be that kind of person every day it would be worth it… For knowing that the things that create the most resistane in my life right now if i pursue and attack them they will eventually weaken. Laziness will not have sucha strong foothold on me and my life activities. I would not be feeling like shit everyday. I would not be looking at things so negatively or acting as if I have no future to look forward to. This quest that we have been on was unnecessary simply because we are not even doing the most basic things to ensure that we are getting somewhere. We claimed that we wanted to practice writing python programs and yet we are unable to dedicate ourselves into learning the concepts from one ebook or complete a python course online. So I failed.I failed not just once but many times to deliver and act on the things I said. And even last night I failed to deliver what I said I would do today……..but you know what? Fuck it…fuck all of it……fuck everybody who keep criticizing me(my father, mother etc.). Fuck everybody who do not believe in me and if I am the punk, the scoundrel for all the bad things happening right now then fuck me as well. That is simply that. I am tired of the emotional games. I am a fucking man for goodness sake. Why this shit? Just because my mood swings doesn’t mean I have to swing with my mood.

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