Verbal Diarrhea

I have seen beautiful masterpieces. I consider it to be a wonderful privellege. I like it. I dont understand why I am still stuck at this point. But I am definitely improving. I am satisfied with my life and I am always striving to improve it as you can see. So it is not as if I gave up. Sometimes I feel disillusioned,worried if this is the right apth to take or feel that what I am trying to implement is a waste of time. It just might be a product of my many years of negative thinking backed by negative experiences. however I cannot let the past ruin my present and distort my future. I step forward right now at 21 years old to continuously and seriously make an impact on the world through continuosly improving myself and my behavior,attitudes,views and critically examining my values. I know that I am less than perfect and I do things less than perfect. It does not mean however that I should berate myself for trying and failing. I should change my mindset from a negative person to a positive person. It simply means that I do what I can each day towards improving my internal beahvior and attitude specific to ceratin situations. I have to confront the negative feelings and thoughts. And I have to accept and lend ear to what they scream. And after I hear what they ahve to say I can make a judgement on whether it is true or not and even if so is it something that is permanent or temporary? As human beings we are not static. We are susceptible to change and we are always changing. I understand this through reading and through my entire life experiences so far. Back in my high school days I always wanted to be a chemist but then it changed to system administration as I gew up graduating from high school and now in college. I have to wake up and realize that change is not goign to be all pleasurable as there ae lifestyle changes to be made which i find very uncomfortable and dreadful to this day. However it is possible to surmount these challenges maybe not in one day but day by day we can learn to take the necessary baby steps in analyzing and dealing with each of these specific problems. And we understand why it is important to confron and spend so much time on these problems because they are a major part of the trouble that we get ourselves into. They cause us suffering and they waste our time(Contray to what we would say given our difficult practice with meditation). There is a lot of things that we ould like to talk about concerning our situation but we have to take it one step at a time. We cannot and I highly doubt that any other human can solve two or more problems at once. Every single one of these problems deserve sepearte attention and require the same amount of effort to solve them. It is childish to believe that anything spectacular will happen in a day. No permanent Habitual or behavioral or attitudinal changes occur in a day. It will take weeks,months, even years before real progress bubbles to the surface. With that in mind we stay faithful consistent and hopeful. I know why I do meditation and it is fora variety of reasons not just for mere relaxation. It helps me to examine who I am and the problems that affect me as an indiivual. It is a tool of introspection. I am a human being and as a human being I will have faulty habits, faulty behavioral/attitudinal responses towards certain situations in life and faulty thinking occuring sometimes or frequently throughout my life. I am not naive to think that Even with all of this preparation and this concern it would stop mistakes. No! I learn that mistakes just like failure is a part of life. Without failure and trial and error, most of the important learning that we all have in our lives could not have been possible. Mistakes are just as important as success. Realizing this depends on your viewpoints towards these situations in life.

As of this year I have been constantly harping on these topics:

*Attitude
*Behavior
*Habits
*Meditation
*Emotions

Although it is good to value intelligence and all, The passion you have for life and for your career/vocational aspirations is what gives you happiness and success in your endeavors. You could be intelligent,talented,skilled whatever but if you are not passionate,not enthusiastic not seeing this career that you have or the work or the subject in school that you are studying. If you dont see these things as something that just makes you happy or that it gives you mental stimulation you can see a personal benefit or value from learning it just by being involved in them then you wont work hard. Let us be honest you will be lazy because you will just do things to get by. Of course that happens even to people who are not extraordinarily intelligent either. Because I don’t know shit about programming and I am having a hard time maintaining my focus on the subject. It’s one thing to show off about how Calculus is so easy to understand and apply because of your intelligence. It is another to actually do something with that calculus or even enjoy waht you are doing. Passion adds color and flavour to life. Not having that is life as it is now- monotone, mundane, so-so. Nothing exciting, rewarding(in terms of just being involved in the subject). And like I said before intelligence has its good merits as well because it makes things easier when you are intelligent. You are more able to do things with more efficiency and can understand difficult things more quickly than a person who just has passion but no brains. I agree that the best thing to have is both intelligence and passion. That would be the msot desired outcome but what are the odds of that happening for me or you? I cannot harp or bet on that. So what can I do as an ordinary person who may or may not have this to boast about? A person who nobody expects or thinks he can ever make an impact on the world? A person who is so introverted that he doesnt even know well his own hometown or even goes to someplace enjoyable on his birthday? Of course that is unfair criticism because I have doen that in the past when I was younger. But seriously…i do beleive I can make an impact but the sad fact is that i have tried to shoot myself in the foot so many times that it seems impossible right now. my mind is working against me instead of for me. I have bad habits and a bad attitude towards certain important issues in my life. One of them being self-reliant whether it is through trying to acquire skills on my own through whatever means or beahving and thinking like an adult. So many times have my father berated and insulted me for these issues and I truly want to do something about them. It cannot wait tomorrow or next month It is something that has to be done today..and it has to be watched closely every day. I have to actively manage it. I have been putting more attnetion to these issues ever since I was 16. The path of self-development started at that age but unfortunately it yieleded no sustainable or practical results. This year my approach is now different. Instead of focusing on “quick methods” and “techniques” in the hopes that it would fix my problems overnight I will dig a litte deeper and my efforts will not end in one day. Because I realize that truly improving or changing oneself in reality takes a lot of time. Change is slow and difficult but it is possible if it is proeprly managed and that I make up my mind regardless of the conditions that I may face. Right now meditation doesnt look as if it is even sensible to partake in much less to make an impact but I look on this thing as support. Meditation in itself cannot and will not solve my problems. The willingness to face my worst nightmares and pains is still a necessity in overcoming my challenges and it is naive to think that just sitting down and being aware of my breath and being in the present moment is going to fix my phobia and deficiencies with programming or mathematics or whatever subject matter that I tend to stay away from as far as possible. My guess is that it would help me gradually and indirectly to fix my problems. It would slowly effect my psyche if I consistently practice it as the experts have instructed. And at the same time, I could schedule my time to focus on other things such as the behavior that I display or the attitude that I adopt when I face my challenges. It is becoming increasingly important and somewhat an eye-opener to see that there is indeed a solution to these issues. I know this because I attempted to do a little test last night and I discovered that during my efforts to get abck into python programming the emotional and behavioral responses and the beliefs that I perceive to be negatively affecting my efforts began to show themselves. But I stayed with them a little while without protesting or being swallowed up by their influence and I realized that after a little while they started to dissappear. I didnt do much to make them dissappear and I didnt try to use self affirmations or whatever bullshit that the self-help community liked to spew. I became aware of them and observe them and felt them just like how I would do in vipassana meditation. I realized that I wasnt being patient enough to see the issues and that the tools or the methods that I tried to use before were not analytical enough for me to see a clear picture of what was happening. There was also the beliefs I had along with the attitudes and behavior that acted as the triggers for the onslaught of negative reactions and they were so subtle that it took me a while to see them for what they were..pure lies. Lies that I have been telling myself over and over until they became a part of me. What lies before me now is the task of eliminating these negative beliefs and that they have to be eradicated before true progress can commence in my efforts to become a programmer or anything for that matter! I also have to pay attention to my attitude and behavior because truth be told they can still be an obstacle to tackle if I am not careful or observing. Most of the time I just filter out a lot of information in my mind and sometimes I filter out the things I do try to put special care and attention to. And the more I try to focus on them is the more the mental confusion intensifies. Once again its an internal culprit that you have to pay special attention to. We also have to be balanced. Something as simple as an headache or migraine could easily be solved with aking a nap. Sometiems the concentration problems that I complain about could easily be solved if I went to my bed earlier instead of staying up 1:00 past midnight idling on the internet. There will be times when I legitimately have to take a break from everything even the things I love. You cant play games all day! You would have to take a break and I couldnt watch TV all day or sleep all day because it would be unbalanced and just as unfruitful as depriving myself. Because to be honest with you my decision to quit gaming entirely has not increased my intelligence and I highly doubt that I could say it gave me more time to think of important things or take my future seriously because right now what happens ironically is that gaming ahs been replaced with idle reading and surfing the internet as well as a habit that I truly want to disassociate myself from as much as possible.

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