Note-7 July 2013

I know what to do right now. I am not foolish ok? There is the usual tendency for this to build up and get out of hand but we are not gonna let it happen this time. I don’t like confusion and I see no reason why we should confuse our minds with such ideas. We are fine but we see room for improvement. That is why we read Carol Dweck’s Mindset book. It wasn’t to waste time it was to know exactly the specific steps on how to change our mindset. To tell you the truth…. Carol Dweck’s book has nothing of significant value apart from the stories she talk about in her book. I don’t know if they are in there or not or I am missing the pages but I have skimmed through and I have found nothing of value to be honest. So I stopped reading it and deleted it off my computer since continuing would be a waste of time. I know so far that in order for me to defeat these demons of mine I have to change the very beliefs which my behavior is influenced by but to tell you how I plan to do that on a practical level I would be lying to you if I said I knew how. I almost went crazy and I had to take a break from the computer twice because it was so confusing and frustrating that my anxiety levels maxed out on me and I just stopped thinking. My rational self just stopped working at that point. The worst part is that almost the whole of sunday is now a waste on that stupid book. Nevertheless I won’t condemn myself because failure is a part of life. I have to take a whole new radical perspective on what it means to fail. It is the fact that my beliefs about failure were so wrong that it led me to do stupid things since the beginning of this year and for that I apologize deeply from the bottom of my heart. My resolution to be a better person has been tested heavily today because of the impulsive habits but I surviveed the experience thankfully. Yet time was still wasted but at least it was for experimentation and not for idle pleasure. For that I can forgive myself and not be too hard on myself. Tomorrow is Monday. We should hurry up and read up on the Public Speaking textbook. Right now my rational self has been shaken to its very core. I just need to forget about the self-induced confusion that I once again instigated upon myself. My intentions are pure but the way how I am going about this is just not working out and that is waht got me on the goos chase in the first place. Anyhow there are a lot of interesting things I would like to talk about and the first one is that I am going back into the python programming now. I am going to do this thing seriously and not let laziness and procrastination and bad beliefs/attitudes stop me this tiem around. I have to fight the good fight. I have to keep focused and I have to push myself. Because this is a worthy goal and I want to see to it that I achieve something that I can be proud about and love. So it should be understandable even to my old self that I am not doign this to impress anybody. If it is anyobdy it would be myself. So let us get the ball rolling and quit playing around. I know that sometimes one can get insecure about certain things but what happened today was completely ridiculous. Now open up that Public Speaking book and suppress your beleifs,attitude and judgements…maybe that’s what you need to look up on how to do..because you take your thoughts way too seriously.
Apart from all this personal drama my life is good and I have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe all of this is just a game of selfishness and stupidity. What is so hard in just starting? What part of saving my own self is hard to do? Do I hate myself? Why should it be hard? I don’t see why it should be hard and it’s very stupid when I make this thing harder than it is supposed to be. The message was always simple that even now I could summarize for you in a couple paragraphs.
Change your attitude and your beliefs. I find it unbelievable and inane if you do not understand that sentence. Make yourself a respectable and lovable person by changing your character and you have enough time to do so. Please wake up and realize that just like how you subconscioulsy make excuses, diverting your attention to things like self-help blogs and books won’t make you a better man. The change comes when you take consistent action and responsiblity for your well-being and progress. It is not hard to do so. You cannot make judgements on something you have not tried before. It is unfair for you to behave as if you cannot do anything right. It is clearly a self-esteem issue but if you are willing and if you work with me and stay focused that can change..even if it is a slow process. I know that you by now have developed some sort of compulsion to read self-help books. I think this is a typical case of misplaced and misguided energy into the wrong things. You should put more energy in directly applying yourself to your goals and towards what you have learned or understood from all your findings isntead of wasting time going on a massive “research” frenzy. Remember that it is ok to fail or not understand something. Let us apply ourselves and then whatever discrepancies/problems show up then we research. You don’t read and then practice. In certain cases you have to practice and do something and then reflect on what you do then research on how to do it better. That is the true way to improvement in every sense of the word. You know already what needs to be done. You have a fair understanding of what the issues are. We have the tools and we have the time so let us get to it and stop wasting time!

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