Everyday I wake up feeling like im lobotomized. I have no purpose,no aim,im bored most of the time. I know that im wasting time and my restless mind will go to any lengths to find something to do. I am not in a position to do so but can’t help feeling this way. It is not my intention to waste time and kill whatever gifts i would have had but you must understand that im always going to be struggling,fighting with urges and problems that are either imaginary,illusory or the end game leads to nowhere…because im afraid of branching out. life does not have the same flavor and fervor it once was for me. I think i know at one point what is wrong with me and then another time..im at a lost for words as to what is happening in the next. I simply watch. this is all workings of the mind when it has nothing to do of course. You cant really expect anything more.
It is my hope one day that i can stop being afraid and actually get my shit together. the biggest issues im having right now is figuring out what are the steps i need to take each waking moment of my life to ensure that no day has been gone wasted. I admit that i have some serious mental flaws that impede my own progress. To that i can say yes i am guilty of that. But ill get through somehow. My futue prospects are always on the back of my mind. ive reached a stage in my young adult life where i have no choice to ignore it anymore.
My biggest obstacle at the moment is programming. i cant get any breakthroughs. At least I thought i was proficient at it but the shame of not having the aptitude for it is what kept me most of the time from making any attempts to really fix the situation. I know damn well that there are other jobs i could train myself to do but the direction my father seems to want me to follow is one of entrepreneurship. I know that i cant shift any blame on others when i fail. I know im responsible for my actions and my fuckups. I know better. But something is stopping me from doing better. The only skill i see myself confident with is the art of writing such as what im doing right now but the funniest thing is that my thoughts dont seem to amount to much by the time i took the effort to write it out on paper or in a text file. So I have a confidence problem as well. Low self-esteem. I grew up sheltered and blinded from a lot of things I should have known by now. My father is disappointed in me and cares very little. He said he has provided all he could for me so i have to decide what i want out of life. I am tired of waking up everyday feeling like a hostage to my parents wishes and desires for me. im 24 years old and i still cant get my shit figured out. I am supposed to hold a junior position in an It field by now maybe web development or programming or sys admin. I should have finished college by now. They are getting sick of me and I am getting sick of myself.